My mind doesn’t want to stop.
It’s 6:41 AM the day after Melanie’s wedding. I haven’t slept one bit.
I want to say it’s because I’ve been partying all night or maybe I’ve been up all night having mind blowing sex with some amazing, gorgeous woman but I have to dissapoint. I don’t know why I have been so restless but I think it may have been all the caffine in the sodas I have been consuming. Were they serving Pepsi Max at that reception?
Well I guess I was going to write things later today- might as well do it now and maybe I’ll get tired enough to take a nap.
Maybe it all started on the plane ride.
There was a couple sitting in the row across from me. They exuded that they were happy to be in one another’s company. I don’t know why but it just caught my eye. While it’s always nice to feel happy for a happy couple I found myself with a different feeling.
As I walked out of the airport surrounded by strangers, passing me by as they continue on with their own lives- why do I look at some with scorn, not because I dislike them, but because they have something that I do not.
This envy is just a sign of the passion I have and yearn at the same time.
As I continue this burnt out stage of my life I find myself focusing more on these things as I struggle to regain some sort of harmony in my life.
Fast forward to now- while I enjoyed the wedding I just attended it does nothing but dredge up familiar feelings.
As friendly and personable as I try to be, the truth of the matter is I was secretly alone tonight. It was hard going to a wedding by yourself where you don’t know anyone at all. I tried to make the best of it- I tried really hard, but at the end I’m sitting on the sidelines watching once again.
I couldn’t help but smile at a couple- this time I wasn’t jealous but happy. Happy that these two people found what I am still looking for. Happy that Melanie and Jim have found what I am looking for. It’s a different kind of feeling than what I felt before but in the end it is all the same.
I look at myself and start trying to figure it out- what is it that I am doing- not doing- doing wrong.
Something I won’t forget is a speech at Rebecca’s wedding. She’s been very successful in life but in this speech it mentioned that despite every accomplishment there was still something missing, something incomplete. That is the feeling I have each and every day. I work hard day in and day out and while I have so much to show for it, I feel like there is a piece missing in my life.
I thought of this bench because all I’d love right now is have someone to sit on that bench with.
And I can’t wait for the day that happens.