The Single Life: Nobody Wants To Date Me Because I’m Asian

by Patrick on October 14, 2009

OkCupid recently started a blog where they took all the data they collected as an online dating site and analyzed it. I was particularly interested in their most recent post on race. They took a look at whether a person’s race played a factor in getting a message back from someone they wrote to.

Their conclusion: yes it does- by a lot.

Here’s a graph from that post that shows reply rates between different races:

As you can see being an Asian male isn’t as great as being an White male.

Another chart from the post shows results of a poll question on the site:

As you can see White people, and White women, mostly prefer to date within their race.

A very interesting post, one that makes me very disappointed.

I’ve occasionally joked about my preference for White women over Asian women, much to the surprise of some less-than-open-minded friends, and I’ve hinted at it on this blog. I don’t think my taste is earth shattering, in fact it’s apparently something Asian guys like. My reasoning for this was explained quite clearly in their post:

On the contrary, white girls are many times the secret fantasy of any Twinkie. No, this is not a partially-hydrogenated pastry, but the Asian guy who has a bunch of white friends and does the things white guys do. There’s one problem: He’s stuck in an Asian body. Twinkies can be compared to a single kitten growing up in the midst of puppies. Twinkies feel like they are puppies because they are enculturated and they like what other puppies like, including the female dogs. Due to this immersion, Asians end up adopting white beauty standards. (but the same isn’t reciprocated by white girls.)

They are YouTube videos about it and apparently how-to manuals for it. But that doesn’t change the way I feel about this.

Honestly I think it sucks.

I will be the first to admit that I am a full fledged Twinkie. I do feel like that kitten that grew up in a world full of puppies. I like what White guys like: White girls.

What sucks is that White girls don’t like Asian guys.

I know I’m a smart, funny, outgoing, and awesome individual; its just that sometimes I feel that I am trapped in this body, this shell that I actually like (I don’t think I’m that bad looking) but it’s a shell that’s not on the top of the list of the women I go after.

Sometimes I joke that I want to be white.

What I don’t tell you is that I want to be white so white girls would actually like me.

In today’s world we are changing the way we think about race in the workplace and life- but I can’t help but think there’s still a lot of hardwired racism I have to fight when it comes to physical attraction. I could have the best personality in the world but I doubt that’s going to make that brunette across the way like me any more if she’s into white guys.

Because I’m not a white guy, but sometimes I want to be.

If you have something to say about this post, feel free to leave me a comment or send me a tweet. Also, if you’re not subscribed you can read this and all my other thoughts and rants, just subscribe via RSS or E-mail.

corey

It’s almost always a mistake to personalize broad statistical conclusions – OKCupid draws users from all over the world, including places where attitudes are less progressive about race – while you live in one of the most cosmopolitan cities in the country, have a professional career and college education (and I’m guessing most of your friends do too) – all markers that are associated with more progressive attitudes about race. I bet if you were to restrict the survey to people actually in your dating pool (in terms of age, education, location etc.) you’d find much more favorable numbers.

My statistics nerd comment of the day…

http://www.dmbosstone.com Patrick

Hey not a problem Corey, you are right- I’d love to see how the numbers would breakdown locally.
KT Chong

Researchers at the University of California at Irvine has recently release a similar finding (on interracial dating preferences and biases.) Cynthia Feliciano and Belinda Robnett collected data from Yahoo! Personals between September 2004 and May 2005, randomly selecting profiles of people ages 18-50 in the Los Angeles, New York, Chicago and Atlanta metropolitan regions. The entire study is 42 pages and titled “Gendered Racial Exclusion among White Internet Daters.” You may google for an early, incomplete version of the study that is available online. This new OKCupid finding reinforces what the UC Irvine study has recently revealed.
KT Chong

Here are the links to the UC Irvine study:

Internet love is not colorblind: UCI study of online daters shows race-based preferences:
http://www.uci.edu/features/2009/04/feature_datingandrace_090421.php

Gendered Racial Exclusion among White Internet Daters (PDF):
http://paa2008.princeton.edu/download.aspx?submissionId=80046

http://www.dmbosstone.com Patrick

Thanks for this study- I’ll have to check it out!

http://capslove.wordpress.com Dazey

First of all, I kind of love the Date an Asian video.
Second of all, this article has made me want to try to be more open to the idea of dating an Asian. (Aside from being attracted to Indians, which although are Asian, I tend to think of “brown” as different from the other Asians.)
Thirdly, I was unaware that so many Asian guys like white girls. I didn’t realize this was such a “pandemic” of a problem.

Thanks for the article. I really enjoyed reading your take on this!
.-= Dazey´s last blog ..I Love Victoria =-.

http://www.dmbosstone.com Patrick

I don’t think it’s pandemic- like Corey said, there are more progressive people out there that are totally fine with inter-racial dating. I look to my cousins, all but two have married outside our race.

However blog posts like OkCupid’s are always going to stir the mind and that’s what came to me when I first read it.

Mike

I see your logic in this post but I would imagine that most people when looking at a survey would think of an extreme. IE: When I hear asian woman I think of the skinny weird woman I saw that the gym the other day, who couldn’t have weighed more than 85lbs. So I would imagine that several people when they hear asian male think of a guy with a thing long mustache who looks anorexic. Our perceptions are obviously skewed and I believe a report above referenced those skewed ideas and not the reality we face when we meet and fall in love with someone.

http://www.dmbosstone.com Patrick

Hmm I wonder if I break the image of the typical Asian male?
http://www.4SportBoston.com Craigga

You do fatty! lol jk!

http://www.dmbosstone.com Patrick

Are you saying I should go to the gym more? Maybe I should do what Mike does and multi-task: go to the gym while drinking.

Mike

That was a long time ago! Now I just sometimes go after light drinking.

http://francobeans.com f.B

It’s easy to ignore “raw data.” It’s harder to ignore what feels like undeniable proof from anecdotal experience.

If it makes you feel any better, which I’m sure it won’t, we scored lower than you almost across the board; in every category but with Indian women.

http://www.dmbosstone.com Patrick

Hey I know I told Alice but if I haven’t told you yet- you are living the dream man.

http://thepqnation.com/justagirl Just A Girl

Hmm one of my first crushes was on the Laotian guy next door. Mmm Chen was hot. Ok, he totally still is but he’s all married and shit. Weak.

I’m not attracted to one race or another, I’m attracted to a style. But I do know a lot of my white female friends thought it was “weird” when I said an Asian guy was hot. Didn’t know I was that much in the minority…
.-= Just A Girl´s last blog ..No Ordinary YOUR MOM =-.

http://www.dmbosstone.com Patrick

I think with time, this hard-wiredness will fade because eventually we’ll all just be tan.

Pingback: “No One Wants To Date Me Because I’m Asian” - City Desk - Washington City Paper
Egg

White female who used to exclusively date Asian males here. I had all Asian friends in high school, and half of my friends in college were Asian. So I had Asian boyfriends. I lived in California then — I think it is all about where you live and who you meet. Since I moved to DC (been over 8 years), I’ve dated one guy who was part Asian, and that was it.

There are plenty of white girls out there who want to date Asian men. Just a matter of finding us.

http://www.dmbosstone.com Patrick

Finding us? How does one do that? It doesn’t surprise me that West coasters are more progressive- there is a bigger Asian population out there and I’ve heard from others today that have said they are finding the East Coast to be a very hard place to date inter racially, especially back in my New England hometown.

neko

wow.

this post makes me sad.

backstory: the first night i met a friend of my college roommate’s at a party, i had a big crush on him — he was the life of the party & seemed to be so much fun. we got to be good friends that summer & then dated for the next 1.5 yrs until he took a job in tokyo. he ended up marrying a japanese woman he met there — and it didnt surprise me in the least. he’s 2nd generation japanese & i just always had the feeling deep down that i was “a white girl” & that he would eventually settle down & marry an asian. he never verbally articulated any of that; but, i just had that feeling …

p.s. on a lighter, non-sequitar note & appropos of nothing: dude, i’d totally date you !

http://www.dmbosstone.com Patrick

Aw that’s a sad story- I hope you find that nice Asian guy!

http://chainsawbuddha.cm sticksngiggles

I’m white, and I’ve adored Asian men for years. I think their features are very attractive. I’m obsessed with K-pop, and it’s not entirely about the bubble gum music.

That being said, I’ve only “dated” one Asian man, an extremely sheltered first-generation Chinese guy, and that lasted three dates and went nowhere. Our personalities were incompatible. I’m crushing on a gorgeous guy from Singapore in my aikido class, but I would never talk to him. He seems completely inaccessible.

I think that’s part of the problem with white/Asian dating. Asian guys assume white women won’t like them, and white women assume Asian guys won’t date them, mainly due to the aforementioned I’m-going-to-marry-a-nice-Asian-girl scenario.

http://www.dmbosstone.com Patrick

That’s interesting- I am very outgoing in real life and I don’t have any of those assumptions with white women.

Sonia

Hi,
I am white (Canadian born Hungarian), and from the looks of that study I am virtually non-existant. I have really only ever dated outside my ethnic group.
Maybe because I was raised by my aunt and uncle, who are Chinese and European respectively, I dont share the same biases to some extent.
One thing I have been told, which has never been said to me directly by anyone I have ever dated, but rather the men in my family or thier friends is that Asian men like to date white women, but will marry within thier race. Which, frankly, I find just a tad insulting.
I also have an interracial son, who is half Korean, and I found my ex-husbands family really echoed those sentiments. And since being divorced, I have been told that no self respecting Asian man would look my way again. I know I am now reluctant to date men that might judge me harshly for being tall, blonde and a single mom.

http://www.dmbosstone.com Patrick

Sonia I find that insulting too- I actually tell my parents don’t be surprised if I marry outside my race. You do remind us though that it’s not just Asian guys- all of us have our own pre-conceived notions of our racial identity and how it affects what others think of us.

That being said I cannot believe somebody told you no self respecting Asian man would look your way- that is absolutely crazy.

http://whitegirlchineseguy.blogspot.com Autumn

Hi Patrick-

I am a white girl (from the South) and I have been my with my Chinese boyfriend for almost a year. I grew up in a traditional southern household, was a cheerleader, have blonde hair, green eyes, and for argument’s sake, never had any trouble dating whomever I wanted to date. We ARE out there. One my best friends is a beautiful brunette from Florida and she LOVES Filipino guys.

My boyfriend and I just started a blog that I really think you would enjoy. http://www.whitegirlchineseguy.blogspot.com

You will find the girl you want. It sounds like you have a lot going for you. My biggest piece of advice to any asian guy is to make sure to have white friends in your group, too. That way, a girl can see you from across the room and think, “That guy’s hot!” and not feel intimidated or like she’s going to stick out in your group.

Best of luck!

http://www.dmbosstone.com Patrick

That’s another thing: I know most Asians, like other minorities, like to stick together in social circles but I actually don’t do that. I’m pretty much the token Asian in any of my groups. But hey thanks for reading- I’ll have to check out your blog!

Oscar

No matter where you go, the Asian man can’t get no respect.

http://www.dmbosstone.com Patrick

Well I think we do in some places, perhaps not in dating…

ashley

Hi, I wanted to send this privately, but oh well. I’m a white female(and I’m all flattered that someone of another race is really attracted to white females… usually men of other races want us to get back at “the white men” but are actually repulsed by us.) But I’ve met so many white girls who are into Asian guys, and I’m sure you’ve seen many embrace Asian culture as their own. They’re obsessed! Anyways, I didn’t realize you could have this problem- many white girls love Asian guys! That was the point!

http://www.dmbosstone.com Patrick

Interesting point of view from your side of things Ash- now if I only knew where these women were…

Okurarina

People that go to anime convetions, and watch anime. learn japanese, korean, and chinese are into asian guys. REALLY into asian guys, Especially guys that are twinkies like you :3 I know so. just go to an anime convention dressed as a butler or something and youll have girls fauning over you (yes white female girls) GL!

Rachel

Hmmm…I love this article, and find my situation applicable! I never knew there was much serious interest by Asian men in white women. My situation was actually kind of unique. I can honestly say, I’ve always found a serious allure about Asian men. The ooh so soft skin, dark hair, deep dark eyes, intelligent and exotic too. HOT! At the same time, I’d never really dated one and by this stage in my life was beyond making physical attraction my primary gauge for my interest (personality, intelligence are bigger factors). I am a working professional 30 year old single mom. There are always plenty of interested guys but after my divorce I refused to ever settle again. I have a profound interest in culture and find SE Asia especially intriguing. Last summer I met a 22 year old Asian Intern (International Student). I made a huge connection with him and thought of it as a great friendship. Over the next couple weeks, our connection deepened and we ended up dating. It was a gamble for both of us given the surface level complications of where we were in life. Neither of us wanted not to take it though…he was everything I ever wanted inside and made me feel like no one else ever did. Well, here we are…6 months later more connected than ever. He has told his parents he is dating an American but not my age or that I am a single mom. People keep telling me in Asian culture, that really isn’t accepted. So, now here I am having taken that gamble and now just wait for this judgment call from his parents. It is a scary place to be in. It would have been much less complicated to just date an American guy around my age that maybe had a kid already but I had no interest in what was easier. I want him. But today have to be ready to walk away if his parents won’t accept me. I would never force him to choose and care enough to want to keep his relationship in tact with his parents. The optimistic side of me hopes they will give me a chance to show them just how much I do care about their son and who I am instead of who I appear to be.
I think this a difficult anticipation white women may have about dating Asian men. I mean that we will never be accepted for marriage by the families. So, dating seriously…white women may have reservations dating an Asian man if their destiny is to never be accepted by their in-laws. Perhaps you can repair our white-girl insecurities about this scenario?

http://www.dmbosstone.com Patrick

Rachel,

Thanks for taking the time to read my post, I’m happy you have found someone to connect with and while most Asian parents are very traditional in that sense I have never felt that kind of pressure before- but I know others that are in similar situations with Asian parents involved.

I hope that white women would never be afraid to date me because of my parents. Nobody should think all Asian parents are the same- in fact all my cousins have white spouses and my aunts and uncles could care less.

Good luck and I hope it all works out!
Mastaping

I had a similar experience 29 yo female with child.. met an Awesome 23 yo Korean. He was the best ever and we did have to separate because of his family’s situation and him moving away to deal with it. But we still talk everyday. I have to say he was the most amazing person I’ve ever had the honor to be with. Goodluck to you guys…Learn your boyfriends culture, it will help and reflect your commitment to him.

Pingback: The Shiz My Family Says Vol II: Where My Parents Want Me To Marry A Vietnamese Beauty Queen | The Definitive Dmbosstone
http://sherrylovesorange.blogspot.com/ Sherry

Aww what a shame, you’re cute

In a way my situation is somewhat similar, I am like 3/4 twinkie (here we call it banana instead). 3/4 because I still grew up in an asian culture therefore I am partially collectivist but mostly individualist, I can speak mandarin but I hate speaking it, or even hearing it in fact. I identify more with the American culture somehow maybe because both my dad and mom studied in Louisiana which is where they met, and english is my main language. I don’t like listening to chinese songs or watch chinese drama much(unless I have no choice). My family called me a banana since I was young, and my uni mates didn’t even know that I know mandarin because I usually speak good english (A person that knows mandarin and speaks good english is rare here), so it can be hard to mix with them sometimes because our interests are so different. Therefore my “gang” in uni consists of the only fully english speaking people in my class: 2 indians and a chinese-indian mix.

I usually date guys that are also like me, the banana type. I have tried dating a very asian guy once and it was a disaster. I could only speak mandarin and cantonese (which I suck at) with him because he can’t really speak english. White guys sound like heaven comparatively hahaha. Good banana type guys aren’t that common here, especially not in my uni, which is filled with extremely asian people sadly.
.-= Sherry´s last blog ..Pesto and Chicken =-.

http://www.dmbosstone.com Patrick

Aw thanks Sherry!

I interchange between Twinkie and Banana- Twinkie appears to get more laughs. I find it really hard to identify with other Asians, looking at my cousins FB (who also live in DC) I can see our lives are totally different.

Where are you studying- West Coast?

http://sherrylovesorange.blogspot.com/ Sherry

Yeah when I look at my maternal side cousins FB’s (they live in a different state) I can see that what we like are totally different too. For one they like korean music, and I stay 10 feet away from that stuff =P

I am from Malaysia actually, but yeah I am studying in the west coast of Malaysia hahaha That’s why my uni is filled to the brim with very asian people sigh. Can’t get no action LOL
.-= Sherry´s last blog ..Pesto and Chicken =-.

http://www.dmbosstone.com Patrick

Wow. Never heard filled to the brim with very asian people and can’t get no action in the same sentence.

Wait a minute I have…

http://citygirlblogs.com City Girl

I’ve been catching up on your blog tonight, and this post stood out for me. It’s so heartfelt, honest and well-written. Your post resonated with me for helping debunk some common stereotypes — you don’t want to date an Asian girl, you predominately hang out with white people and your parents don’t mind who you date. I had actually thought about fixing you up with a nice Korean-American girl when I first met you. Now I know the type of girl to keep my eye out for. xoxo
http://www.dmbosstone.com Dmbosstone

I’m glad you learned a lot about me and I know that writing post is while honest, hopefully doesn’t paint me as someone that won’t consider somebody solely based on their race.

Hey I’m at a time in my life I should try anything. If you think a nice Korean girl would be cool for me not just because we’re both Asian than I say go for it.

Thanks for reading!
http://seeelladate.blogspot.com Ella

Those statistics are a bit shocking/disturbing to me. If anecdotes help I’m a white female and I dated and asian guy.

http://www.dmbosstone.com Patrick

What’s your secret- or rather what was his secret?

Anonymous

As an Asian guy I admit that this is somewhat of a problem. Having been raised in the US the whole of my life it’s a lot easier for me to relate to white women than women of my own race.

I’ve run into my share of white women that are willing to date Asian men, and that’s a relief. I just focus on enjoying myself and improving myself as a person and eventually the right sort of woman that I’m attracted to will be along eventually.
http://al-terity.blogspot.com/ tempo dulu

Interesting. My theory is that it is a height thing: women like to date guys taller than them.

http://www.dmbosstone.com Patrick

True and luckily I am pretty tall for my height.

Anonymous

Let’s get real here. Most Asian guys are not the most physically appealing men out there. The Speed Dating experiment done in Columbia University recently in NY reflects what society at large has to say when it comes to interracial dating. In the experiment, Asian men overall were judged to be the least physically attractive by women of all races. In regards to White women, they were the most reluctant of all the females to date an Asian guy, unless he earned a substantial amount of money, more than a Black or Hispanic guy. Further, Asian men aren’t portrayed as sex symbols in the media, or well represented in pop culture like Black men, or even Latin men. These are the two reasons why many White women do not find Asian men as potential dates or mates. It’s a double edged sword for many Asian men. They are seen as law abiding model minority guys, yet their unassuming low profile attitude takes away their popularity with non-Asian women.

Mastaping

? Asian men are very much sex symbol! And they have some GREAT bodies… I dont know whats wrong with women today…It will catch on! Then all women will want an Asian man!
Teddylunell

“Let’s get real here. Most Asian guys are not the most physically appealing men out there.” Ah, no. Hiroyuki Sanada..if he rand my bell I’d show him in and up. And I am a white female as white as rice.

Mastaping

Hey don’t feel bad. I’m Hispanic female and I only date Asian Men! You guys are the best!

Anonymous

Appreciate the support!

jefflion

Hope you’ve changed your mind (about “almost wanting to be white”).

That being said, yes, many whites are racist, and white women do seem to prefer men of their own race. When it comes to IR dating, they choose more “popular” races than Asian men (black, for example). There are many negative stereotypes about black men (or Latinos, etc), but at least they are presented as males, as masculine, as guys that women find attractive (that doesn’t excuse racist stereotypes, though). Media works against Asian men, and, as ridiculous as that sounds, it seems to be very important.

So it definitely works against Asian men. However, you (general you) don’t want to date somebody who’d reject a person just because of his race, so girls who don’t want to date Asian guys are not much of a loss anyway.

You are not unattractive, and seem like a guy who has a lot to say, so unless you have an obnoxious personality you don’t display online (that makes women run away from you in real life), the answer is quite simple: you are chasing the wrong type of girls. By “type”, I don’t mean “race”, though I do believe nobody should limit himself by wanting to date only one race. I meant on type of the girls. Whoever thinks “nobody” wants them has the same problem: they are looking at the wrong sort of people.

(I am a white woman btw)

Anonymous

Jefflion,

Thanks for your comments, I never thought about the role of the media but I’ll have to pay more attention to that. I do hope that Asians like Ken Jeong that are getting laughs can show that we are cool people. Then again it’s always been easy to make us the funny characters, even action stars like Jackie Chan have to be the funny guy when they are kicking butt.

jefflion

Yes, media is very important. It shapes popular opinions and stereotypes. Some would say it’s silly, but yes, media has that power. Racial stereotypes are one of the bad things media bring. Of course, you can’t blame media for everything, and it’s not really that these things start with media (they are only transferred using media).

But I can guarantee you that more and more women of all races would find Asian men attractive if they are presented as such in popular movies, novels and TV shows. And as great Jackie Chan is, he’s not presented as an attractive male in the same fashion Brad Pitt is in his movies. Asian men rarely are, even when they are at their most masculine (excessive knowledge of martial art, of course).

It doesn’t mean Asian men aren’t attractive (well, like with any other race, most are average, with a minority of unattractive people and very attractive ones). There’s no real reason for Asian men to be seen as less masculine than the other races of men.

Other than media, what prevents white women from finding Asian men attractive is, of course, racism (plain and simple). There are many racist white women. Not racist in a hating way, but those who consider themselves “open minded”, but would never date outside their race. (OkCupid results show white women are the only group who strongly prefers to date within race). But you don’t need those women. Nobody does. There are plenty of white women who’d find you attractive. On the other hand- does she have to be white? WHY does she have to be? Maybe these are the questions you have to ask yourself.

Annie

No you are probably very handsome the way you are I love Asian guys!

Love yourself because your
Probably a really genuine guy

Anonymous

Thanks- I don’t think I am, I know I am.

Ben

Trust me bro. Nothing worth while was ever because of your race. Don’t let that ever bring you down.

I’m Asian as well and my girlfriend’s White. We’re mad in love and nothing ever has separated us. It’s a beautiful thing.

Hope you realized that although you have no control of how you are brought into the world, you are in control of your actions and your personality.

Now go out and make them hunnies fall in love with you!

Anonymous

Living the dream Ben- rock on.

http://www.enteradulthood.com Diana Antholis

Intriguing post! Women like men who are confident and happy with themselves. As long as you embrace who you are, the right woman will fall in love with you.

My boyfriends have always been international – Russia, Korea (see I dated Asian!), Mexico…and a few Americans in there. The Asian guy I dated was great, until I realized he was a complete a$$. It always came down to personalities…a couple of the Americans were great, the Mexican was great, the Russian — bad news. But I believe women are more attracted to your personality and how they feel around you than the looks and race. Race also plays into religion, which is a whole new category.

I happened to end up with probably the whitest man possible, and I make fun of myself for that, because I love international men. But this white guy captured my heart, what can I say?!

Anonymous

As a fellow person as foreign descent don’t you feel it’s easier for us to be more accepting of people of all backgrounds because of our own ethnicity? I always find it funny and also promising when people like us end up with white people because it shows our own openness as well as their’s.

Bresenham

I don’t think this is as simple as growing up around white people. I social terms, white women and considered higher status. Other races generally prefer white women for that reason, and black women do very poorly for the same reason. Looking at that OK Cupid chart you will also see that white men and asian women show a decent level of attraction, so if you were emulating the tastes of white men you would like asian women. But at a more basic level, people most want to be with someone who is like them. The fact that you don’t suggests you are prejudicing you choice somehow.
http://twitter.com/alysonjonlife Alyson Toone

I know that this is an old post, but it popped up while I was reading another article. I found it funny, because I saw the same OKCupid (yea I got dates from there) blog post and was pretty surprised, or not. Being from a group (black women) that sent many messages on OKCupid without replies, I was hurt by this hard evidence. There is a lack of replies from black women when black men message them, and I felt like that was ALL me. Ha! Even, though I rue the term, oreo, technically I am one. It’s the same as twinkie, just for black folk. I grew up loving white guys to no avail. I have way more in common with other oreos and white guys. And then I dated a few Asians, and it was great! When I discuss interracial dating with other people, they never guess I dated Asian guys. It seems such a surprise to them. Oh well, their loss. I learned that guys are guys no matter what the race.

Anonymous

OkCupid truly hit a chord when they wrote that post- and I live they continue to explore interesting ideas with their data.

hahahaha

Hahahaha, nobody wants to date you and it serves you right for being such a racist in your own preferences. I always feel smug when silly Asian men like you get taught a lesson in the dating arena. Most of you need to take a good look in the mirror and come to terms with your ugly physical features, then lower your standards accordingly when choosing a mate.

Whosgotthekitty

Wow, talk about uncalled for. I think YOU must be the racist one. Got a thing against Asians? Get out of here.

Anonymous

Patrick,

Saw your tweet about this post today. Hey “hahahaha” – stay classy!

At any rate, as you may recall, I married a Chinese woman. American-born, but still in many respects physically and culturally Chinese. I’ve always been attracted to Asian women, but I’ve also noticed that a lot of American-born Asian women don’t get together with Asian men.

I was asking my wife about this last weekend. We stopped in to grab something to eat at a little Chinese place in Ashburn, and there was a couple in there, both Asian (not sure what country they were from, but they weren’t speaking Chinese. Then again, there was Thai on the menu of a place called “Hong Kong,” but I digress…) At any rate, dude was a real spoiled brat. Making all these exasperated faces and gestures at everything his girlfriend said, and she was very pretty and very sweet. You could just tell she was an incredibly nice person by the way she carried herself.

When I talked to my wife about it, she said that a big reason Asian women, at least, don’t want to be with Asian guys, is because of the male chauvinism of many Asian cultures. My wife grew up with two older brothers, and they could do no wrong. In the mean time, she was always treated like she had no idea what she was talking about, even though she had better ideas and the ability to back it up. One of her brothers in particular turned into a stark-raving egomaniac. (He even did the Dr. Evil trick of laughing at his own jokes, maniacally, for long periods of time. Except it wasn’t for comic effect.)

Since I know you personally, I can’t say that I’ve ever sensed that you had your head filled with “you’re our boy so the world revolves around you” nonsense, but it’s certainly prevalent in Asian cultures. With really tragic consequences. I can’t help wondering how much these cultural attitudes espoused by many Asian men might influence the opposite sex in a country where women are treated very, very differently.

For my part, I have three sons. I see their Asian physical characteristics and I love that about them. I think they’re great looking kids. I’m don’t buy that I’m just biased because I’m their dad.

http://twitter.com/leonachan Leona Chan

I’m Chinese American with an equal record of dating Asian-American and white guys.

The difference? Personality and upbringing.

When I have dated white guys, it’s because sometimes I got bored of the Asian guys who have the academic and professional credentials, but lack the ability to hold a decent conversation. Too many guys who are wannabe doctors, engineers, bankers, etc. I like guys who are driven (not just for money) and possess depth of thought. It took a while for me to realize my own values. Culturally, my parents raised me very Chinese: I know Hong Kong better than any other American city. I can speak, eat and be more “Chinese” than my other Chinese-American peers. But I’m a weird Asian who turned out to be average at math/science, went to a liberal arts college and majored in non-math/science things. I grew up having to fend for myself, rather than getting doted by my parents (and same for my brother, its not a gender thing). My parents didn’t force me to study just to study; they like the American liberal arts curriculum and the idea of developing outside interests. They appreciate music, arts, politics and culture which is why I grew up around D.C. So that’s why I have always been in-between with Asian/white guys. White guys don’t understand the cultural subtleties and I haven’t found the right Asian-American match. It pretty much sums down to personality and upbringing.

As for the male chauvinism: I haven’t (personally) experienced it. All the Asian guys that I have dated have been well-mannered and gentlemen, more so than the white guys. When I have dated Asians, the courting and dating process has been very straightforward. There’s not as much of the “he’s just not that into you” and Tucker Maxx nonsense. Maybe I’m just that selective and lucky.

BUT I can see that male chauvinism point, which is why I generally stay away from dating Korean-American guys because it’s been shared amongst other Asian-American females. Times are changing though, especially with China’s one-child-only policy. If you think parents have been doting little boys into ego maniacal men, wait until you see how doting little girls into materialistic princesses looks like…

Anonymous

As a first generation American I love the fact my parents did not raise me too traditionally- I feel that I have a good mix of Asian and American culture.

Of course that also makes me a banana.

Anonymous

I’ll tell you mixing Asians and Whites do produce good kids. I grew up the oldest of four so I never had that golden child complex, especially because my younger sister earned a lot of the honors in the family.

Thanks for reading Steve!

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