OkCupid recently started a blog where they took all the data it’s collected as an online dating site and analyzed it. I was particularly interested in their most recent post on race. They took a look at whether a person’s race played a factor in getting a message back from someone they wrote to.
Their conclusion: yes it does- by a lot.
Here’s a graph from that post that shows reply rates between different races:
As you can see being an Asian male isn’t as great as being an White male.
Another chart from the post shows results of a poll question on the site:
As you can see White people, and White women, mostly prefer to date within their race.
A very interesting post, one that makes me very disappointed.
I’ve occasionally joked about my preference for White women over Asian women, much to the surprise of some less-than-open-minded friends, and I’ve hinted at it on this blog. I don’t think my taste is earth shattering, in fact it’s apparently something Asian guys like. My reasoning for this was explained quite clearly in their post:
On the contrary, white girls are many times the secret fantasy of any Twinkie. No, this is not a partially-hydrogenated pastry, but the Asian guy who has a bunch of white friends and does the things white guys do. There’s one problem: He’s stuck in an Asian body. Twinkies can be compared to a single kitten growing up in the midst of puppies. Twinkies feel like they are puppies because they are enculturated and they like what other puppies like, including the female dogs. Due to this immersion, Asians end up adopting white beauty standards. (but the same isn’t reciprocated by white girls.)
They are YouTube videos about it and apparently how-to manuals for it. But that doesn’t change the way I feel about this.
Honestly I think it sucks.
I will be the first to admit that I am a full fledged Twinkie. I do feel like that kitten that grew up in a world full of puppies. I like what White guys like: White girls.
What sucks is that White girls don’t like Asian guys.
I know I’m a smart, funny, outgoing, and caring individual; its just that sometimes I feel that I am trapped in this body, this shell that I actually like (I don’t think I’m that bad looking) but it’s a shell that’s not on the top of the list of the women I go after.
Sometimes I joke that I want to be white.
What I don’t tell you is that I want to be white so white girls would actually like me.
In today’s world we are changing the way we think about race in the workplace and life- but I can’t help but think there’s still a lot of hardwired racism I have to fight when it comes to physical attraction. I could have the best personality in the world but I doubt that’s going to make that brunette across the way like me any more if she’s into white guys.
Because I’m not a white guy, but sometimes I want to be.
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It’s almost always a mistake to personalize broad statistical conclusions – OKCupid draws users from all over the world, including places where attitudes are less progressive about race – while you live in one of the most cosmopolitan cities in the country, have a professional career and college education (and I’m guessing most of your friends do too) – all markers that are associated with more progressive attitudes about race. I bet if you were to restrict the survey to people actually in your dating pool (in terms of age, education, location etc.) you’d find much more favorable numbers.
My statistics nerd comment of the day…
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Patrick Reply:
October 14th, 2009 at 3:41 pm
Hey not a problem Corey, you are right- I’d love to see how the numbers would breakdown locally.
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KT Chong Reply:
October 15th, 2009 at 4:42 am
Researchers at the University of California at Irvine has recently release a similar finding (on interracial dating preferences and biases.) Cynthia Feliciano and Belinda Robnett collected data from Yahoo! Personals between September 2004 and May 2005, randomly selecting profiles of people ages 18-50 in the Los Angeles, New York, Chicago and Atlanta metropolitan regions. The entire study is 42 pages and titled “Gendered Racial Exclusion among White Internet Daters.” You may google for an early, incomplete version of the study that is available online. This new OKCupid finding reinforces what the UC Irvine study has recently revealed.
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KT Chong Reply:
October 15th, 2009 at 4:45 am
Here are the links to the UC Irvine study:
Internet love is not colorblind: UCI study of online daters shows race-based preferences:
http://www.uci.edu/features/2009/04/feature_datingandrace_090421.php
Gendered Racial Exclusion among White Internet Daters (PDF):
http://paa2008.princeton.edu/download.aspx?submissionId=80046
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Patrick Reply:
October 15th, 2009 at 8:53 am
Thanks for this study- I’ll have to check it out!
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First of all, I kind of love the Date an Asian video.
Second of all, this article has made me want to try to be more open to the idea of dating an Asian. (Aside from being attracted to Indians, which although are Asian, I tend to think of “brown” as different from the other Asians.)
Thirdly, I was unaware that so many Asian guys like white girls. I didn’t realize this was such a “pandemic” of a problem.
Thanks for the article. I really enjoyed reading your take on this!
Dazey´s last blog ..I Love Victoria
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Patrick Reply:
October 14th, 2009 at 3:43 pm
I don’t think it’s pandemic- like Corey said, there are more progressive people out there that are totally fine with inter-racial dating. I look to my cousins, all but two have married outside our race.
However blog posts like OkCupid’s are always going to stir the mind and that’s what came to me when I first read it.
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I see your logic in this post but I would imagine that most people when looking at a survey would think of an extreme. IE: When I hear asian woman I think of the skinny weird woman I saw that the gym the other day, who couldn’t have weighed more than 85lbs. So I would imagine that several people when they hear asian male think of a guy with a thing long mustache who looks anorexic. Our perceptions are obviously skewed and I believe a report above referenced those skewed ideas and not the reality we face when we meet and fall in love with someone.
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Patrick Reply:
October 14th, 2009 at 3:43 pm
Hmm I wonder if I break the image of the typical Asian male?
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Craigga Reply:
October 14th, 2009 at 4:08 pm
You do fatty! lol jk!
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Patrick Reply:
October 14th, 2009 at 5:27 pm
Are you saying I should go to the gym more? Maybe I should do what Mike does and multi-task: go to the gym while drinking.
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Mike Reply:
October 14th, 2009 at 8:45 pm
That was a long time ago! Now I just sometimes go after light drinking.
It’s easy to ignore “raw data.” It’s harder to ignore what feels like undeniable proof from anecdotal experience.
If it makes you feel any better, which I’m sure it won’t, we scored lower than you almost across the board; in every category but with Indian women.
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Patrick Reply:
October 14th, 2009 at 3:44 pm
Hey I know I told Alice but if I haven’t told you yet- you are living the dream man.
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Hmm one of my first crushes was on the Laotian guy next door. Mmm Chen was hot. Ok, he totally still is but he’s all married and shit. Weak.
I’m not attracted to one race or another, I’m attracted to a style. But I do know a lot of my white female friends thought it was “weird” when I said an Asian guy was hot. Didn’t know I was that much in the minority…
Just A Girl´s last blog ..No Ordinary YOUR MOM
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Patrick Reply:
October 14th, 2009 at 3:45 pm
I think with time, this hard-wiredness will fade because eventually we’ll all just be tan.
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[...] about the findings at dmbosstone.com, Patrick Pho of Arlington, Va., lamented: “No One Wants To Date Me Because I’m Asian.” He described himself as a – [...]
White female who used to exclusively date Asian males here. I had all Asian friends in high school, and half of my friends in college were Asian. So I had Asian boyfriends. I lived in California then — I think it is all about where you live and who you meet. Since I moved to DC (been over 8 years), I’ve dated one guy who was part Asian, and that was it.
There are plenty of white girls out there who want to date Asian men. Just a matter of finding us.
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Patrick Reply:
October 14th, 2009 at 5:29 pm
Finding us? How does one do that? It doesn’t surprise me that West coasters are more progressive- there is a bigger Asian population out there and I’ve heard from others today that have said they are finding the East Coast to be a very hard place to date inter racially, especially back in my New England hometown.
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wow.
this post makes me sad.
backstory: the first night i met a friend of my college roommate’s at a party, i had a big crush on him — he was the life of the party & seemed to be so much fun. we got to be good friends that summer & then dated for the next 1.5 yrs until he took a job in tokyo. he ended up marrying a japanese woman he met there — and it didnt surprise me in the least. he’s 2nd generation japanese & i just always had the feeling deep down that i was “a white girl” & that he would eventually settle down & marry an asian. he never verbally articulated any of that; but, i just had that feeling …
p.s. on a lighter, non-sequitar note & appropos of nothing: dude, i’d totally date you !
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Patrick Reply:
October 14th, 2009 at 10:28 pm
Aw that’s a sad story- I hope you find that nice Asian guy!
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I’m white, and I’ve adored Asian men for years. I think their features are very attractive. I’m obsessed with K-pop, and it’s not entirely about the bubble gum music.
That being said, I’ve only “dated” one Asian man, an extremely sheltered first-generation Chinese guy, and that lasted three dates and went nowhere. Our personalities were incompatible. I’m crushing on a gorgeous guy from Singapore in my aikido class, but I would never talk to him. He seems completely inaccessible.
I think that’s part of the problem with white/Asian dating. Asian guys assume white women won’t like them, and white women assume Asian guys won’t date them, mainly due to the aforementioned I’m-going-to-marry-a-nice-Asian-girl scenario.
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Patrick Reply:
October 15th, 2009 at 8:19 pm
That’s interesting- I am very outgoing in real life and I don’t have any of those assumptions with white women.
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Hi,
I am white (Canadian born Hungarian), and from the looks of that study I am virtually non-existant. I have really only ever dated outside my ethnic group.
Maybe because I was raised by my aunt and uncle, who are Chinese and European respectively, I dont share the same biases to some extent.
One thing I have been told, which has never been said to me directly by anyone I have ever dated, but rather the men in my family or thier friends is that Asian men like to date white women, but will marry within thier race. Which, frankly, I find just a tad insulting.
I also have an interracial son, who is half Korean, and I found my ex-husbands family really echoed those sentiments. And since being divorced, I have been told that no self respecting Asian man would look my way again. I know I am now reluctant to date men that might judge me harshly for being tall, blonde and a single mom.
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Patrick Reply:
October 15th, 2009 at 8:22 pm
Sonia I find that insulting too- I actually tell my parents don’t be surprised if I marry outside my race. You do remind us though that it’s not just Asian guys- all of us have our own pre-conceived notions of our racial identity and how it affects what others think of us.
That being said I cannot believe somebody told you no self respecting Asian man would look your way- that is absolutely crazy.
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Hi Patrick-
I am a white girl (from the South) and I have been my with my Chinese boyfriend for almost a year. I grew up in a traditional southern household, was a cheerleader, have blonde hair, green eyes, and for argument’s sake, never had any trouble dating whomever I wanted to date. We ARE out there. One my best friends is a beautiful brunette from Florida and she LOVES Filipino guys.
My boyfriend and I just started a blog that I really think you would enjoy. http://www.whitegirlchineseguy.blogspot.com
You will find the girl you want. It sounds like you have a lot going for you. My biggest piece of advice to any asian guy is to make sure to have white friends in your group, too. That way, a girl can see you from across the room and think, “That guy’s hot!” and not feel intimidated or like she’s going to stick out in your group.
Best of luck!
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Patrick Reply:
October 19th, 2009 at 5:33 pm
That’s another thing: I know most Asians, like other minorities, like to stick together in social circles but I actually don’t do that. I’m pretty much the token Asian in any of my groups. But hey thanks for reading- I’ll have to check out your blog!
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No matter where you go, the Asian man can’t get no respect.
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Patrick Reply:
October 30th, 2009 at 1:10 am
Well I think we do in some places, perhaps not in dating…
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Hi, I wanted to send this privately, but oh well. I’m a white female(and I’m all flattered that someone of another race is really attracted to white females… usually men of other races want us to get back at “the white men” but are actually repulsed by us.) But I’ve met so many white girls who are into Asian guys, and I’m sure you’ve seen many embrace Asian culture as their own. They’re obsessed! Anyways, I didn’t realize you could have this problem- many white girls love Asian guys! That was the point!
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Patrick Reply:
December 31st, 2009 at 3:57 pm
Interesting point of view from your side of things Ash- now if I only knew where these women were…
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Hmmm…I love this article, and find my situation applicable! I never knew there was much serious interest by Asian men in white women. My situation was actually kind of unique. I can honestly say, I’ve always found a serious allure about Asian men. The ooh so soft skin, dark hair, deep dark eyes, intelligent and exotic too. HOT! At the same time, I’d never really dated one and by this stage in my life was beyond making physical attraction my primary gauge for my interest (personality, intelligence are bigger factors). I am a working professional 30 year old single mom. There are always plenty of interested guys but after my divorce I refused to ever settle again. I have a profound interest in culture and find SE Asia especially intriguing. Last summer I met a 22 year old Asian Intern (International Student). I made a huge connection with him and thought of it as a great friendship. Over the next couple weeks, our connection deepened and we ended up dating. It was a gamble for both of us given the surface level complications of where we were in life. Neither of us wanted not to take it though…he was everything I ever wanted inside and made me feel like no one else ever did. Well, here we are…6 months later more connected than ever. He has told his parents he is dating an American but not my age or that I am a single mom. People keep telling me in Asian culture, that really isn’t accepted. So, now here I am having taken that gamble and now just wait for this judgment call from his parents. It is a scary place to be in. It would have been much less complicated to just date an American guy around my age that maybe had a kid already but I had no interest in what was easier. I want him. But today have to be ready to walk away if his parents won’t accept me. I would never force him to choose and care enough to want to keep his relationship in tact with his parents. The optimistic side of me hopes they will give me a chance to show them just how much I do care about their son and who I am instead of who I appear to be.
I think this a difficult anticipation white women may have about dating Asian men. I mean that we will never be accepted for marriage by the families. So, dating seriously…white women may have reservations dating an Asian man if their destiny is to never be accepted by their in-laws. Perhaps you can repair our white-girl insecurities about this scenario?
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Patrick Reply:
February 8th, 2010 at 8:32 pm
Rachel,
Thanks for taking the time to read my post, I’m happy you have found someone to connect with and while most Asian parents are very traditional in that sense I have never felt that kind of pressure before- but I know others that are in similar situations with Asian parents involved.
I hope that white women would never be afraid to date me because of my parents. Nobody should think all Asian parents are the same- in fact all my cousins have white spouses and my aunts and uncles could care less.
Good luck and I hope it all works out!
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